By STRETCH+BLOOM | On January 30, 2013 In Dating and relationships
Yes, it’s February. You can’t go anywhere without hearing about love.
First thing I’d like to say is I don’t really believe that we should wait for a special time of the year to share our feelings with our loved ones. We should treat every day like it’s Valentine’s day
But since the topic is on the table there’s a fundamental question that keeps coming back that I’d like to answer: Why do good women attract bad men?
While this article was written with women in mind, anyone who’s struggling to understand why they’re manifesting negative situations will benefit from it, men included.
So if you want to know what you can do to manifest loving and fulfilling relationships in your life, head on over to the Inner Seed’s blog to read my guest post:
If you’re ready to let go of the blocks that prevent you from finding love, I have created a program that shows you how to clean up your vibration to attract your Mr Right. You might want to check it out!
Update August 2018:
Unfortunately, the blog is no longer online so I am republishing the article for reference.
HERE’S THE POST AS IT WAS PREVIOUSLY PUBLISHED:
“WHY DO GOOD WOMEN ATTRACT THE WRONG MEN?
‘Before you say “there are no good men” just make sure you’re a good woman’ Trent Shelton.
This quote in my newsfeed caught my attention. Upon first read, it was obvious to me there is some merit to it.
Sometimes, I can’t help but marvel at some of the ladies out there who still believe they will find a good husband by shaking their behinds at 3.30 AM in a club. I tend to think that you get what you advertise for. So if your outfit and/or your behavior is yelling “let’s have fun like there’s no tomorrow”, don’t be surprised if after all the fun there’s no tomorrow! I am not being a prude, I’m just pragmatic.
In the comments, some people have also pointed out the fact that it wasn’t completely fair. A lot of serious women were caught up in relationships with less than serious partners. I could see the truth in that as well.
A few days later, I got an opportunity to reflect on this a little more. I was on the phone with a friend of mine who was telling me about her recent breakup. The man she was involved with betrayed the trust she had in him. She was devastated. And while she was drawing parallels with her previous relationships, she started to notice a pattern. All these men we were letting her down one way or another. And she was still feeling the outrage from all these betrayals.
Just to make things clear, she is a beautiful, elegant, smart, soft-spoken professional with a heart of gold. And nothing in her lifestyle advertises for let’s have fun like there’s no tomorrow! So what about her could be attracting these unreliable men?
It’s true that the people in our lives are the reflection of the life we lead.
Motivational speaker extraordinaire Jim Rohn summarized this perfectly: “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”
But here’s a lesser known fact: we also attract what we believe subconsciously. In the words of psychologist William James “The greatest discovery of our generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind. As you think, so shall you become.”
So it’s more than just attracting persons with similar lifestyles, we attract what we believe to be true.
You see, it’s now understood that what comes into our experience is the result of 3 factors:
1. Our belief systems
2. What we pay attention to, like what we discuss, what we watch and, what we read
3. How we feel about things.
We attract everything: the good and the bad experiences.
So in a sense, yes, we do attract the people who hurt us, just as my friend was attracting her flaky boyfriends. I can already hear some people accusing me of blaming the victim. But please bear with me. It’s not really our/her fault, we are just not taught better.
Just like we don’t blame a child who injures himself while exploring the world, we can’t really blame someone, like my friend, who attracts a negative situation in their life due to some deficiency in knowledge and awareness of certain universal principles.
We pick up thoughts, ideas, beliefs from everywhere around us like we pick up viruses. And just like viruses, if we haven’t built a certain immunity to them they can affect us negatively. When it comes to women and relationships, we get our beliefs from our parents, our aunts, our sisters, our girlfriends, the magazines, the movies and the TV shows we watch.
STARTING TO GET THE PICTURE?
Let’s say you’ve spent your childhood watching your mother struggle as a single mum. Or your aunt went through a nasty divorce with a cold-hearted husband. Or you love to read magazines with endless articles about unfaithful men and unhappy couples. Guess what. You’ve got yourself a recipe for disaster! You start to develop a negative outlook on men, relationships, and life in general. There are hundreds of millions of wonderful men out there, but your new found outlook will prevent you from getting in contact with any of them.
Even if on the surface your lifestyle isn’t a match for the wrong guys, your reality could only reflect this distorted image that was built from unhappy past or proxy experiences. The good thing about accepting responsibility is that we also regain our power to turn things around. Rather than an opportunity for blame, it’s an opportunity for growth.
By honestly examining ourselves, our lives and our beliefs to uncover these toxic stories we have accepted as fact. And then by building a strong immunity to the negativity. The easiest way to do this is by changing our beliefs, changing what we pay attention to and changing the way we feel about things.
This means to we have to let go of all the drama, gossip of the chick-flicks with the ever unhappy-in-love heroines. In truth, they program us for failed relationships. Consciously we might think they are entertaining, but on a subconscious level, our minds seek to replay these stories in our lives.
It also means to make peace mentally with the people who have harmed us or our loved ones, the absentee dads, the flaky boyfriends, the cold-heart ex-husbands and all the less than perfect men out there.
Like they say: “Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”. For as long as we feel the anger, the betrayal, the outrage, the sadness, we will continue to attract the people who will give us things to be angry, hurt, outraged or sad about. So really it’s not so much of their fault than it’s ours!
And no, it doesn’t mean you have to invite them for a second round! Absolutely, not! Instead, we could, for instance, write a letter addressing it to them to clear out all our feelings and burning it afterward.
In the end, all of this is about planting in our minds the seeds of what we’d like to experience. This could be looking for the happy couples, noticing the good men, and/or collect inspiring stories. Basically, it’s about building the case for happy endings in our minds. It may sound simple but It works!
Growing around toxic people impacted negatively on my life – l ended up unconsciously replaying similar stories in my life for a long time. But what is striking is that as I did this work and cleared up my inner world, I realized the outer landscape started to change as well. There were different people out there: less angry, more gracious, more caring, more supportive.
Are there still challenges today? Of course. But now they tend to be of a different kind. And most importantly, I now clearly see how they always reflect something I need to learn about myself. As a result, I tend to embrace the challenges more.
So in the end, while it’s true that some lifestyles are bound to attract chaotic relationships, it’s really our beliefs that attract the people we meet.
I firmly believe that if you don’t lead the lifestyle, you won’t attract the wrong men.”
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