Stop being a nice girl! It’s a fact that women don’t have it easy in our society, the dices are often loaded and not in our favor. However, while there are obvious and blatant inequalities, part of the responsibility in this situation does fall on our shoulders. We, as women tend to have certain mental attitudes that allow us to be taken advantage of. One of those is the addiction to being a nice girl.
You know who I am talking about?
– The woman who is always there for her friends even if she’s exhausted and said ‘friends’ don’t ever really return the favor.
– The woman who always gleefully agrees to stay and work late for no extra pay because it’s ‘for the team’.
– The woman who gets coaxed on a second date with a guy she doesn’t like because she doesn’t want to be mean.
If you recognize yourself in this picture stop being a nice girl, you’re playing yourself!
Recently there were 2 incidents that really made me cringe and prompted me to write this post.
BEING A NICE GIRL IS GOOD FOR YOUR BANK ACCOUNT… NOT!
The first incident happened in Hollywood following the #metoo scandal.
One male star was caught in a wave of accusations which lead to him being removed from a movie he was working on. The movie was due to be released for the holidays which were only a few weeks away. The director committed to releasing the movie anyway. The male star’s scenes were to be deleted and reshot with a new actor. As a result of this some of his co-stars, specifically a male and a female co-star, were also required to reshoot some of their scenes.
Here’s what happened:
The male co-star negotiated his fee for the extra work. They had only a few weeks to the release date so he seems to have understood the predicament of the director, the fact that it was a rush job, the value of this work (and of his name) and he prized his fee accordingly.
He got a huge check.
The female co-star volunteered to do it for… free!!!
She was paid a low hourly rate for her scenes.
After the movie came out, a new scandal erupted now condemning the male co-star for being paid more than the female co-star.
However, who volunteered to work for no pay?!! The actress!!!
Ok, obviously I am not in Hollywood and I will never be privy to all the details of the negotiations but this is a textbook example of how we play ourselves out of receiving what men are getting.
Hollywood is not an industry that’s known to be kind to women. The #metoo scandal revealed what in my opinion is only the tip of the iceberg in terms of the horrors that are happening there.
This woman was in an incredibly powerful position to make a strong statement and capitalize on the fact that the director had committed to releasing the movie in a few week’s time. That was a fantastic opportunity to ask for a big check to make up for the extra work, for having to fit the extra shooting days in her schedule just before the holidays and generally for working in an industry that tends to exploit and underpay women.
What did she do with it?
She threw it away!
She was being a nice girl.
In Hollywood, a place that known to be full of snakes and sharks that disrespect women!!
Please stop being a nice girl, you’re playing yourself.
BEING A NICE GIRL GETS YOU THE BEST JOBS… NOT
The second incident was not really an incident. It was an article about overworked professionals.
The article was interesting in that it explained how some elite recruiters are specifically targeting hard-working people-pleasers (they call them ‘insecure over-achievers’) for jobs in companies where under the guise of getting a fancy title and some accolades they are being used as workhorses.
The article went on to describe how they select certain personalities for their ability to self-regulate, strive to please and work-hard. They then placed them in companies who cultivate hyper competitive work environments that ensure that the gifted insecure workaholics always feel the need to over-compensate and work harder.
In other words, they are looking for smart idiots (if you think I am being mean: more on that in a minute) eager to over-compensate for low self-esteem and a lack of boundary to be pushed around and be exploited for a few pats on the back.
Does that fit the profile of Ms. Nice girl?
I thought so…
Stop being a nice girl, they are playing you.
EVEN THE DICTIONARY AGREES: NICE GIRLS ARE THE SMARTEST… NOT
If you thought I was being mean when I used the expression ‘smart idiot ‘earlier, get this: I love words and dictionaries. Some time ago I was introduced to the etymology of the word ‘nice’ which is connected to ‘foolish’.
Yep, nice means foolish.
As in ‘idiot’, ‘stupid’, ‘naive’, ‘someone who doesn’t cover her bases’, ‘someone who doesn’t protect her assets’, ‘someone who scatters her energy’, ‘someone who helps people who don’t deserve it’, ‘someone who volunteers to work for no pay when she could have gotten a big fat check’,’ someone who works herself to the ground for a few accolades’…
You’re a smart woman, please stop making a fool of yourself.
Stop being nice!
STOP BEING A NICE GIRL, YOU’RE TOO SMART FOR THAT!
I can already hear you protest : ‘But I’ll be called a b*tch.’.
Yes, that’s possible. Actually, it’s quite likely.
You know what I answer whenever someone tells me that? Two things:
1/ So what?!
2/ To elaborate on point 1, let me ask you a question: ‘Do you realize that it’s most likely the people who have a vested interest in you not protecting your assets that will be mad when you do protect yourself?’.
The people who really have your best interest in mind want you to thrive and to do that you sometimes need to say ‘no’, ask for the big check and generally stand up for yourself.
The only people who will be mad at you for standing up for yourself are:
A- those who were hoping to take advantage of you.
B- those who don’t know how to stand up for themselves and feel challenged by your newfound assertiveness.
Either way, the thing is you’re not here to be taken advantage of and you’re not responsible for people’s lack of assertiveness, so who cares what they call you?!
You’re not doing anything wrong by protecting yourself and not being a ‘nice girl’.
If they want to call a b*tch for it, it’s their problem not yours.
Actually, I would even take it a step further: you should be ok (and even grateful!) for being called a b*tch when you’re just being assertive and protecting yourself. It’ll make it easier to identify who doesn’t want you to thrive.
This way you will be able to clean house, remove the toxic people from your life and surround with people who actually want to see you win.
Please stop being a nice girl, you are smart woman who deserves better than that.
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