‘Where are all the good men?’ is one of the most commonly-heard refrain on the modern-day dating scene.
Plenty of women, it seems, are under the impression that good men, like unicorns, hide in a secret, mythical land where they abound.
And, their approach to finding love is akin to looking for the treasure map to this mysterious territory.
Following this approach, many seem to believe that a certain social status, educational background or profession is the key qualifying factor in identifying a good man.
Therefore they flock to places where men with these attributes abound.
– ‘Where could they be hiding? In law firms? In investment banks? In surgery wards?’
If only it were that simple…
Here are a couple of observations on why this approach is doomed to fail.
The list
I often hear women share a set of requirements for their dream guy that sounds like this:
– ‘My perfect guy is 1,85m (6ft something), with washboard abs, he’s a lawyer/ banker/ surgeon and he buys me a gorgeous ring with a huge rock.’
Of course, if your list sounds like this, the promised land would appear to be a law firm, a bank or any place where affluent men congregate.
Except there’s something deeply flawed with this logic: this list doesn’t say anything about the human qualities of this man.
– Is safe? (The amount of stories in the news about doctors using their access to women to abuse them should concern you…)
– Is he honest?
– Is he patient?
– Is he trustworthy?
– Is he kind?
– Are you compatible? (And no, compatibility doesn’t mean you want a ring and he can afford to buy you one…)
Looking at this type of list, there’s no way to tell.
So, they identify a “good man” based on superficial characteristics and when the so-called great guy turns out to be a jerk, they’re surprised.
Unfortunately, the issue here is that the vetting process of these women falls short when it comes to asking crucial questions about the men they bring into their lives.
Why the list is probably dooming you to fail. #dating. Click To TweetThe updated vetting list
Granted, your list may not be as extreme as the ones of the women mentioned above. However, if you find yourself involved with the wrong men time and time again your vetting list could use an upgrade.
How about a list that looks like this?
– He treats people with respect.
– He’s honest.
– He’s trustworthy.
– We share similar dreams and values.
– Our personalities complete each other nicely.
– Oh, yes… we’re attracted to each other. (Notice how that’s at the bottom of the list. You’re not looking for a hot guy that turns out to be a jerk, you’re looking for a great guy that happens to be hot. Small but crucial distinction!)
With a list such as this one you will probably start to get very different results.
And, the behavior of many of these supposed ‘catches’ would probably have raised quite a few alarms early in the game.
Screamed at a waiter on a date? Red flag!
Didn’t get back to you as he promised? Red flag!
Wandering eyes? Red flag!
Three flags?!
– ‘Au revoir monsieur, it was a pleasure knowing you!’.
(By the way, if you haven’t downloaded my red flags checklist, you should get it now. It will save you tons of headaches and hopefully give you a chuckle or two).
The new “land of plenty”.
With your updated list the promised land looks more like places where people are involved in the community, involved in personal development activities…
And, this is not to say that creeps don’t lurk in churches, meditation classes or yoga studios.
However from a value system perspective, those places are more aligned with finding decent human beings than highly competitive environments geared towards ‘success’ at all costs which tend to draw more problematic personalities to say the least.
How an updated list can help you find Mr Right. #dating. Click To TweetThe case for your focus.
While the list is important, there’s an often over-looked critical factor in your ability to find a good man.
Many people are unaware of the fact that we are vibrational beings.
To simplify things, we tend to experience things we are attuned to vibrationally or things that match our frequency, a bit like a magnet.
This is not revealing of a personality flaw or of hidden masochistic desires, it’s just that we tend to synchronise with things that have entered our minds.
See, although the mystical ‘good men land’ can have a very real physical element to it (they’re probably rare in a high-security prison ward), there’s something to say about your ability to tune into it energetically.
If your focus is turned to a very real lack of good men that you could be experiencing, part of your brain is actually taking this as a command to maintain this experience. It’s an in-built confirmation bias system in a way.
Very useful if you’re starving and looking a chinese restaurant and all of sudden your eyes seem to discover all these wonderful places that you had never seen before but much more problematic when you’re tired of dealing with jerks and more jerks seem to be popping up everywhere.
When this system is operating, the updated-list probably won’t be of much help because your brain will be focused on helping you notice the jerks.
If your energy is aligned with lack you won't be able to find your man. #dating Click To TweetWhat’s next?
You need to get your brain on board so it helps you notice the good men!
How do you do that?
The key is to spend less time focusing on all the wrong men and how scare good men are, and more time focusing on the ideal man you’d like to find.
For example:
Do you hold anger against men?
While a lot of it may very well be justified, focusing on this aspect of things is in way asking your brain to find more reasons to be angry.
This is not to say that you should ignore wrong-doings, give a pass to abusive people and play kumbaya with jerks. Wrong-doings must be corrected!
This is about not letting these wrong-doings occupy all of your focus and prevent you from dwelling on better outcomes you’d like to experience.
Do you believe all the good men are taken or that no good men are available?
It may very well appear so (and I won’t blame you since masses of men are working overtime to confirm this impression) but it’s not necessarily true.
After all, there could a million bad men, you’re only looking for one so that’s where your focus should be.
Do you believe that you’re not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough to have a good man?
Same idea.
Basically, as long as you’re more focused on the lack of good men than on having found a good man, your brain will take this as an invitation to work on making this your experience.
To find good men, you have to give the command to you brain to find them. And the way you do this is by focusing on having found them.
PS: This may have sounded quite esoterical and mysterious to you. I won’t blame you if your head is spinning a little. This goes against eveything we have been told.
If you want a better grasp on this idea of looking for love from the inside out, this program walks you through the exact steps of this process.
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